Motorcycle-Animal situations

Recently, a dog who escaped with no injuries let to the birth of this post. As is rapidly becoming a trend, I decided to turn that into a post of my own. Not mooching it, of course, but expanding on the seed of inspiration. etc. The following is a collection of animals, and what I know about how they mix with motorcycles. I can say with confidence that since I have never actually intersected the time-space plane with an animal, I've no idea if any of these are true, they work, or are just old wives tales (they ride bikes too?). But for what its worth, here goes...

Squirrels: The little buggers are cute as buttons, change direction seventy five times a second and are nearly impossible to run over with the mobike. Ignore and continue. 99.95 per cent, you won't even come close to hitting them. Girlfriend who screams, 'but you didn't even roll off the throttle!' needs to be told to shut up.

Dogs: These are deadly. When you're cuddling one at someone's house, or its humping your leg or drooling all over you gazillion buck Armani/Alpinestars, they range from cuddly-bear to annoyance. But when they dart across the road, they're killers. If you hit a dog, you're going down. No question. If you're lucky (remember, relative term), it'll just bounce off your shin or something and give you a hell of a – hopefully temporary – limp. Hit it square, and you're kissing it today, bub. Avoid, avoid, avoid. Brake, swerve... whatever... don't hit it. Oh, the bast**ds rarely ever get damaged in crashes, so save those tears.

Cats: I find it hard to believe that you could potentially run over something as fast, agile and situationally aware as a cat. But most animals of that size (the house dog size of thereabouts) will and can cause a heap big crash. See dogs for strategy.

Sheep/Goats: Not only do they travel in herds most of the time, they also tend to follow each other almost blindly. You're safest at ultra-low speed or stopped. Stop, look, go. Again, since they're only marginally larger than dogs, if you hit one, you're going down.

Cows: These are complete idiots. They won't move and are usually oblivious to both the motorcycle bearing down at them at top speed and injury. But they hurt. Best best? Lay it (your shiny pride and joy, that is) down if you're wearing kit. Or avoid by swerving. Sometimes the horn will get a movement out of the cow. From what I've heard, cows rarely turn around and bolt, so they're likely to move forward. Aim to avoid from the rear. Bulls, as an aside, are known to attack RD350s without provocation. I have been chased once, and I remember a chap in the Bahamas/Caribbean who was also also chased by a Bull (met him on the old two-stroke forum).

Buffalos: Same as cows, but they can turn around and bolt. So you need to be real careful. Also, they're usually black in colour, so spotting them after dark can be tough.

Chicken: They're usually easy enough to kill without falling off the bike. Don't hit one while on the brakes though, it might tip you over. On the throttle is usually much better. If the chicken survives, pull over, walk back and ask it why it decided to cross the road.

Snakes: Yes, snakes. I've seen them cross roads, and I've also seen basking snakes crawl across the road when surprised. Slipper buggers, if you're on the throttle throughout (and very lucky) you should get nothing more than a wobble. If the insides get smeared on the tyre, slow to a stop gently and look for leaves/stick to unglue the muck. In most cases, slowing down and passing on a closed throttle will allow the snake and you to get by without incident.

Asses: They never use zebra crossings and are liable to jump into your path without any warning. Even if you make eye contact. Usually live in settlements called towns, they're everywhere. Be very careful. The horn is known to work on them, and if all else fails, hurl abuse. They're far from endangered (actually there's too many of them around), but hitting one, even if you don't get injured will mean that you will get surrounded by more asses and eventually the cops will also take the ass's side. Best avoided by riding more carefully through ass populations.

Donkeys: Are a bit unpredictable so you need to be on your guard. They're large enough to cause serious crashes also. They are usually slow moving and almost never without the owner so you shouldn't have too much trouble with these. Personally, I've never heard of anyone crashing with a donkey.

Deer: Quite common as a motorcycle hazard abroad, and endangered almost everywhere else. Camouflage colours work and the buggers are hard to spot. They also happen to travel in herds. Be very, very careful. Hitting one with a bike is gonna lay you up in traction for a while.

Kangaroos: These are a real danger. But are restricted to zoos around the world and Australia. Their skin makes excellent riding gear. Again, these are large, fast animals and your best defense is to avoid contact.

Elk/Moose: Another set of completely invisible animals. They also cause innumerable crashes, especially in the areas they inhabit. Like Canada. I think. Strategies are the same as with all large animals, avoid contact.

Camels: You'll never come up on a camel and get surprised. They're too big for that. If you do suddenly notice that a camel has materialised in the middle in the road some twenty feet away, stop. Then slowly turn around, stick it in first and ride to your eye doctor.

Elephants: Wait for them to pass. If they come towards you, turn around and ride as hard as you can. After dark, Elephants are very hard to spot. So you're better off not riding through areas where you know/have been warned that Pachyderms roam.

Dinosaurs: Get back in the time machine and press fast forward. Do not stop to get DNA sample so someone can clone them later. If it's really big and looks creepy, do everything quietly. Dinos are known to eat motorcyclists, even those who haven't actually crashed into them. Will chase if they spot you running, but are usually too large to fit into the time vortex in the wake of the time machine.

Summary: Animals smaller than dogs can usually be hit without causing a fall. Dogs upwards, if there is contact, a crash will usually follow. Animals larger than dogs cause big, bone-breaking crashes, so your strategy has to be to avoid contact at all costs. Still larger animals might even chase you down...

General tips:

• If you don't have traffic around you, do everything you can to avoid contact
  
  
• If you see an animal in the road ahead (and it's alive), downshift, slow down and approach slowly. If it's dead, do not compound its misery by running over it. Its disrespectful, and you could fall... and that'd be just dumb.
  
  
• You should be looking for a place to safely swerve around the animal already.
  
  
• If its a small animal, speeding up as you pass it helps. If they do chase, they'll give up sooner.
  
  
• If you have a dog chasing you, don't attempt to kick it, you could fall off. Instead, vary the speed, it confuses the dog and in most cases, it will give up.
  

• If you are in traffic, swerving may not be an option. Ditto for stopping. In which case, you have to... er...

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